Why Growing Your Queer Family Feels So Overwhelming—and How to Make it Easier

As a midwife who has worked with hundreds of queer folks through their family building journeys, published author, founder of the PregnantTogether community and queer parent myself—I know how overwhelming family-building can feel as a queer person. 

Growing your queer family is a profound undertaking—physically, emotionally, financially, relationally, logistically— for so many reasons. Here are the most common ways that folks feel overwhelmed during this process:

1. SO MANY DECISIONS

Throughout the family building journey, when you don’t have access to all the gametes or body parts needed to create human life, there are so many decisions to make. From choosing between a known/unknown egg/sperm donor to surrogacy to who in the relationship will carry the pregnancy to what level of intervention is needed for that pregnancy to occur—it’s a lot. To make matters even more overwhelming, none of this is information that is easily accessible to the general population.

1. So much $$$

Hand in hand with all these decisions comes the sobering reality of how much many of these choices cost. There is a real access issue when it comes to queer family building, and when folks are dealing with the day-to-day cost of living, it can be impossible to imagine adding the cost of gametes and fertility support into the budget—which is truly a reproductive justice issue.

1. Internalized oppression

As queer folks, we’ve grown up in a society that either explicitly or implicitly believes that something is wrong with us. While these (completely wrong and oppressive) ideologies are changing within many communities, that internalized oppression affects us in both conscious and subconscious ways. Of course, these messages can be compounded by other forms of internalized oppressions— racism, classism, sexism, transphobia, ableism, etc.

I’ve seen in my practice, online community, and personal community that these internalized oppressions often rear their ugly heads during the TTC (trying to conceive) process. And on top of all the logistical stressors, dealing with these mental and emotional challenges adds immense stress to an already overwhelming process.

1. Lack of societal/cultural support

Even for those of us thoroughly surrounded by other queer folks, we very rarely see examples of queer families and how they come to be in the mainstream cultural world. Representation is beginning— we’ve seen some examples of queer families in shows like Modern Family, Home Economics, and the L Word: Generation Q…and we hear a little bit more about queer celebrities and influencers growing their families. But, when 99% of the representation we get of families is heterosexual, growing our own queer family feels like trying to climb a huge mountain all alone.

It’s A LOT to navigate, especially when you’re trying to do it all without a blueprint or enough cultural or community support. But things are changing. I envision a world where ALL people have access to the information and choices they need to grow their families in the ways they choose. 

Here are some ways to reduce overwhelm and gain resources and support during your family-building journey—

1. Get Creative About Resourcing Yourself

Those of us working to support queer and nontraditional family building are creating resources full of informational support (check out the book that I co-wrote with another queer midwife called Baby Making for Everybody- Fertility and Family Building for LGBTQ+ and Solo Parents), and more and more information is becoming accessible—finally!

In the book we outline creative ways to make this process more affordable— from getting fertility evaluations covered by your primary care providers to waiting for sperm banks to have sales to creating GoFundMe’s to cover parts of the family building process.

We desperately need community rituals to support us through this time. Baby showers are common— so how about we start throwing pre-baby showers and have attendees contribute to a fund that we can use to grow our families? A community member’s sister began a family-building fund at their wedding for her & her spouse to use when they were ready to begin their journey. Let’s get creative about resourcing ourselves—emotionally and financially—through these journeys,

When we normalize these forms of support, it will help make our family-building journeys so much more resourced and accessible.

1. Lean into community

Being connected to community— emotionally, physically, informationally, and financially— is the foundation of resilience. Tap into your community support systems in ways that feel safe to you, and this will help buoy you during what can sometimes be a rollercoaster experience. And check out PregnantTogether for an online community to support and resource you during this time.

1. Therapy and intergenerational healing 

There’s nothing like starting the journey to become a parent to bring us in touch with the places we carry trauma and resilience from our own childhoods and our ancestors’ lives. I truly see this time of life as an invitation— to do the work of healing our own challenges, those of generations before us, and generations to come.

Doing the work of understanding ourselves and where the internalized oppressions live within us will support as through this process and the lifetime journey of parenting in profound ways. I recommend professional therapy, talking to friends about our healing journeys, peer support groups, journaling, mindfulness practice, and whatever other personal healing practices resonate with you, your family, and ancestry.

To me, one of the key themes in the overwhelm we often experience is a pervasive sense of aloneness. When we feel alone and isolated in our experiences, everything feels harder. Overwhelm is often emotional. When we address the feelings around it, it really does help all the logistical decisions we need to make around growing our families go smoother. 

I see queer family building as a reproductive justice issue— we all have the right to choose how to grow (and not grow) our families. And we deserve for this process to be as connected, supported, and accessible as possible. I hope you’ll join me in the PregnantTogether Community.